I really liked this - thanks for sharing Carlos. Talking to a lot of other dads it seems like fatherhood - both the challenging and the transcendent - hits us all in different ways and it’s important to be open to whatever comes
This one made me tear up! I remember having the same feeling after my son was born. He was great but I didn’t LOVE him!!! I remember one night when he was 2 weeks old I was up feeding him and I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying because I didn’t love him!!!! My husband came out and asked what was wrong and I finally admitted it: I didn’t love the baby. It was almost as if admitting it opened something up and the next day I got that overwhelming feeling of love for him. But for my younger daughter, I will admit it took much much longer, maybe even 7-8 months before I felt it. But the good news is it just keeps growing and you end up loving them more every day (except for most of age 3 when it stalls due to the horrors). You’re doing great!!! Loved this piece, you’re a good dad!!!!!
Thanks, Lucy! I’m glad to know I’m not alone in that feeling. It really felt like something was wrong with me. Hope everything with the fam is going well. After taking care of one, I don’t know how anyone juggles two!
Hey Lucy - I thought it was just me. I was pushing the stroller along an empty street 7 months after my son's birth when he looked up at me and I stared at him...we held each other's gaze and smiled and smiled...and we fell in love *then*! Not instantly like ao many of the mother/parenting myths. Took me years to admit that. Thanks for sharing. (You, too, Carlos!) 🙏🏽
Congratulations 🎊🍾🎉 on the birth of your daughter! I really loved this essay which goes to the heart of the ambivalence of parenting, as well as the profound love that we have for our children. I am the mother of two adult daughters in their 20s, and yes, they still need us. I spent part of April 15 metaphorically sitting with my daughter on FaceTime for 1 1/2 hours while she did her own taxes for the first time. I’m sure your parents are thrilled that you call them for advice on parenting (way more interesting than explaining what a W-2 is).
I look forward to hearing more about your parenting adventures. Good luck!
Huzzah!! I’m so happy for you, Carlos! Sending you and your family love and good wishes. May the epiphanies keep coming, and may many of them come without tears and snot.
as a OB. nurse , and lactation consultant and head of a post partum depression support group , i have felt your feelings to be true of many new parents , whether moms or dads .
whoever said we were supposed to feel mushy in love with this child the moment they arrived ?
so many people have to grow into that type of love you expressed at 8 weeks on your trip!
so very normal. i wish someone would write about the same thing because i feel our american culture demands instant feelings of loving being a mom or dad and it just just doesn’t always pan out that way in real life leading to so much anxiety , depression and guilt !
Thanks! I always felt remorse for not instantly bonding with my first born. This is more realistic. Articles were published in many mommy mags about that important first few seconds bond. I was in labor for 11 hours and exhausted. They didn't bring him to me for 24 hours and I was freaking out. I was sure our bond was eternally dashed because of that. (It wasn't).
Wow… this was incredibly refreshing to read. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable, I don’t think we hear this perspective enough, especially from dads. Your words made me feel seen in ways I didn’t expect. The way you described waiting for that “movie moment” of instant love and then realizing it doesn’t always happen like that really hit home. And that line, “sometimes the hard parts are the great parts”? Whew. That one’s staying with me. I also saw the comment from the OB nurse and just want to say I really admire her insight and the heart she brings to her work. As someone who truly understands what many new parents go through, her words added so much value and support to an already powerful post. It’s comforting to know people like her are out there guiding others through this journey. Thank you again for sharing your heart and helping normalize this side of the parenting experience. You’ve created space for more honest stories, and I know a lot of people needed to read this. 🙏🏼. Again, thanks for the comment, Laura. How long have you been using this Substack app.
As a mother to two lovely daughters, now full-blown adults, I really appreciate your article. As a woman, we hear stories about connections to fetuses in the womb, the glow of pregnancy, instant and unconditional love, etc. The reality is often quite different. Pregnancy sucks. Child birth is horrible and dangerous. Having a newborn at home is earth shattering in more ways than one. However, the intense love for children will often strike at unexpected moments. I remember having a full-blown meltdown with uncontrollable sobs when I was driving our rental car through Nevada, returning from a trip to Zion.
My husband was asleep in the passenger seat next to me. Our two young daughters were in the backseat talking about pokémon. They were listing their favorite pokémon and having an animated conversation. I suddenly realized that I loved my family more than anything in the world. I also had the realization that we would never experience this particular moment in time again. I also recognized that our tiny family was part of a much, much bigger world.
I swear I could see our tiny car driving through the vast desert. From this aerial view, I realized how transient and fragile our lives really were. My husband woke to tears pouring down my face. I was unable to explain to him why at the time. I still tear up thinking about that moment.
There have been and will be more such moments of clarity. Parenthood is the hardest thing you will ever do but it is worth every moment.
I’m connecting with you! This is how I feel as well. Realizing that the moments are gone and never to repeat is difficult and also allows us to cherish the day. The “easy”way would be not to parent - it is the deepest love and a love that cannot be reciprocal. The fact that my children (even as adults) are my deepest bond, knowing that I am not going to be theirs, is hard to accept. Such is the path of life. Fortunately for me, the rejection is pushing me back towards my husband of 40 years. Our connection- even while we are both in pain, is getting stronger as we deal with our independent, adult children as they find their way. The realization (again) is that it’s not in our control. This is humbling. This is where faith is truly tested. This is how I learn to trust God.
When my gals went off to college 10 years ago I also had to reconnect with my husband. We've been married 30 years. When I suggested a "date night" he laughed and said he didn't want to feel forced to go out with his wife. It should be spontaneous! Well, he is one of the least spontaneous people I know. We are still plugging along but you really have to put in the work for maintaining a relationship.
Hi Carlos, I’m 62 and don’t have kids so I perhaps I can’t quite relate as a parent. Though I came upon your site (an “it was meant to be” experience, like your snot-filled epiphany?) and really like you’re writing. I look forward to reading your future posts. Best
This is such a great post! My daughter has FPIES, which means if she eats banana she throws up for hours and hours. She accidentally ate banana one night around a year old, and I was up with her from 2AM-6AM as she was constantly vomiting, and I kept cleaning it up after every round, and then I realized it was way better if I just let her vomit onto me and I could be ok with having vomit on me. Love that I could be there for her to vomit onto. Surrendering to the chest sleeping/vomit/what have you is a really beautiful moment and I love how you've described it here. So many other relatable things, too, like how having a kid changes how you relate to your parents. Also, I just want to say...those people who say things like "just wait until they're teenagers!" That's so annoying. I've talked about this a lot with a few friends and wonder why people do that. Because it's just not true. All of it is good and bad, the whole way. I think people are just boring/bad at small talk and don't know what else to say, and that's just, like, a platitude. Obviously you're not doing this, but I still wanted to say PAY THEM NO HEED!! Thanks for this great post Carlos!
Congratulations Carlos! Appreciate you writing about this. Lot of fathers go through similar journeys of duty, in their own ways, wondering when that special feeling will come. It’s good for these types of things to be normalized in such a human way, how you wrote about it. Makes us all better parents, which makes the kids better humans. Good luck and good health to you and your whole family.
Thanks for sharing this lovely story. Congratulations, Carlos!
I understand what you mean about not feeling an instant connection with your child. The day my daughter was born, I was in awe of her and feeling extremely blessed, but I felt like she was a stranger. She was the cutest little person I knew very little about. I've been happy to see how my love for her has grown over these fifteen years, how much I love her, and how well I know her now.
I love this story ~ I love that you had a "right out of the movies" birth story to tell - she'll adore that (and be embarrassed by it!) Having a baby in the house is lifechanging and exhausting. Having the wonderful take time to catch up is normal. Enjoy every minute! Even the screaming baby ones - they grow up fast :) Make time for a date with your wife-dates on the couch to watch an episode work when you're too exhausted to think about leaving the house :)
this was beautiful man, and congrats. the hardest most good times are yet to come
Thanks, man! I’m looking forward to every hard/awesome milestone ahead
I really liked this - thanks for sharing Carlos. Talking to a lot of other dads it seems like fatherhood - both the challenging and the transcendent - hits us all in different ways and it’s important to be open to whatever comes
This one made me tear up! I remember having the same feeling after my son was born. He was great but I didn’t LOVE him!!! I remember one night when he was 2 weeks old I was up feeding him and I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying because I didn’t love him!!!! My husband came out and asked what was wrong and I finally admitted it: I didn’t love the baby. It was almost as if admitting it opened something up and the next day I got that overwhelming feeling of love for him. But for my younger daughter, I will admit it took much much longer, maybe even 7-8 months before I felt it. But the good news is it just keeps growing and you end up loving them more every day (except for most of age 3 when it stalls due to the horrors). You’re doing great!!! Loved this piece, you’re a good dad!!!!!
Thanks, Lucy! I’m glad to know I’m not alone in that feeling. It really felt like something was wrong with me. Hope everything with the fam is going well. After taking care of one, I don’t know how anyone juggles two!
Hey Lucy - I thought it was just me. I was pushing the stroller along an empty street 7 months after my son's birth when he looked up at me and I stared at him...we held each other's gaze and smiled and smiled...and we fell in love *then*! Not instantly like ao many of the mother/parenting myths. Took me years to admit that. Thanks for sharing. (You, too, Carlos!) 🙏🏽
Congratulations 🎊🍾🎉 on the birth of your daughter! I really loved this essay which goes to the heart of the ambivalence of parenting, as well as the profound love that we have for our children. I am the mother of two adult daughters in their 20s, and yes, they still need us. I spent part of April 15 metaphorically sitting with my daughter on FaceTime for 1 1/2 hours while she did her own taxes for the first time. I’m sure your parents are thrilled that you call them for advice on parenting (way more interesting than explaining what a W-2 is).
I look forward to hearing more about your parenting adventures. Good luck!
PS (Loved the photo of you and your daughter)
Thanks, Madelyn! I look forward to someday explaining to my daughter the difference between a W-2 and a 1099 🤣
Just showing up will make you a good dad. Caring will make you a great dad.
Enjoy the ride, my friend.
Thanks, Amran! Looking forward to the journey
Huzzah!! I’m so happy for you, Carlos! Sending you and your family love and good wishes. May the epiphanies keep coming, and may many of them come without tears and snot.
Thanks, Mary!
as a OB. nurse , and lactation consultant and head of a post partum depression support group , i have felt your feelings to be true of many new parents , whether moms or dads .
whoever said we were supposed to feel mushy in love with this child the moment they arrived ?
so many people have to grow into that type of love you expressed at 8 weeks on your trip!
so very normal. i wish someone would write about the same thing because i feel our american culture demands instant feelings of loving being a mom or dad and it just just doesn’t always pan out that way in real life leading to so much anxiety , depression and guilt !
thanks for sharing your heart !
Thanks! I always felt remorse for not instantly bonding with my first born. This is more realistic. Articles were published in many mommy mags about that important first few seconds bond. I was in labor for 11 hours and exhausted. They didn't bring him to me for 24 hours and I was freaking out. I was sure our bond was eternally dashed because of that. (It wasn't).
Wow… this was incredibly refreshing to read. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable, I don’t think we hear this perspective enough, especially from dads. Your words made me feel seen in ways I didn’t expect. The way you described waiting for that “movie moment” of instant love and then realizing it doesn’t always happen like that really hit home. And that line, “sometimes the hard parts are the great parts”? Whew. That one’s staying with me. I also saw the comment from the OB nurse and just want to say I really admire her insight and the heart she brings to her work. As someone who truly understands what many new parents go through, her words added so much value and support to an already powerful post. It’s comforting to know people like her are out there guiding others through this journey. Thank you again for sharing your heart and helping normalize this side of the parenting experience. You’ve created space for more honest stories, and I know a lot of people needed to read this. 🙏🏼. Again, thanks for the comment, Laura. How long have you been using this Substack app.
As a mother to two lovely daughters, now full-blown adults, I really appreciate your article. As a woman, we hear stories about connections to fetuses in the womb, the glow of pregnancy, instant and unconditional love, etc. The reality is often quite different. Pregnancy sucks. Child birth is horrible and dangerous. Having a newborn at home is earth shattering in more ways than one. However, the intense love for children will often strike at unexpected moments. I remember having a full-blown meltdown with uncontrollable sobs when I was driving our rental car through Nevada, returning from a trip to Zion.
My husband was asleep in the passenger seat next to me. Our two young daughters were in the backseat talking about pokémon. They were listing their favorite pokémon and having an animated conversation. I suddenly realized that I loved my family more than anything in the world. I also had the realization that we would never experience this particular moment in time again. I also recognized that our tiny family was part of a much, much bigger world.
I swear I could see our tiny car driving through the vast desert. From this aerial view, I realized how transient and fragile our lives really were. My husband woke to tears pouring down my face. I was unable to explain to him why at the time. I still tear up thinking about that moment.
There have been and will be more such moments of clarity. Parenthood is the hardest thing you will ever do but it is worth every moment.
I’m connecting with you! This is how I feel as well. Realizing that the moments are gone and never to repeat is difficult and also allows us to cherish the day. The “easy”way would be not to parent - it is the deepest love and a love that cannot be reciprocal. The fact that my children (even as adults) are my deepest bond, knowing that I am not going to be theirs, is hard to accept. Such is the path of life. Fortunately for me, the rejection is pushing me back towards my husband of 40 years. Our connection- even while we are both in pain, is getting stronger as we deal with our independent, adult children as they find their way. The realization (again) is that it’s not in our control. This is humbling. This is where faith is truly tested. This is how I learn to trust God.
When my gals went off to college 10 years ago I also had to reconnect with my husband. We've been married 30 years. When I suggested a "date night" he laughed and said he didn't want to feel forced to go out with his wife. It should be spontaneous! Well, he is one of the least spontaneous people I know. We are still plugging along but you really have to put in the work for maintaining a relationship.
Hi Carlos, I’m 62 and don’t have kids so I perhaps I can’t quite relate as a parent. Though I came upon your site (an “it was meant to be” experience, like your snot-filled epiphany?) and really like you’re writing. I look forward to reading your future posts. Best
Thanks, Ashwin!
This is such a great post! My daughter has FPIES, which means if she eats banana she throws up for hours and hours. She accidentally ate banana one night around a year old, and I was up with her from 2AM-6AM as she was constantly vomiting, and I kept cleaning it up after every round, and then I realized it was way better if I just let her vomit onto me and I could be ok with having vomit on me. Love that I could be there for her to vomit onto. Surrendering to the chest sleeping/vomit/what have you is a really beautiful moment and I love how you've described it here. So many other relatable things, too, like how having a kid changes how you relate to your parents. Also, I just want to say...those people who say things like "just wait until they're teenagers!" That's so annoying. I've talked about this a lot with a few friends and wonder why people do that. Because it's just not true. All of it is good and bad, the whole way. I think people are just boring/bad at small talk and don't know what else to say, and that's just, like, a platitude. Obviously you're not doing this, but I still wanted to say PAY THEM NO HEED!! Thanks for this great post Carlos!
Glad you liked the piece, Madalyn! And what a harrowing moment. I hadn’t heard of FPIES — hope you and your daughter are managing everything okay!
Congratulations! My parents retell “the day you were born” stories with “it was a dark and stormy night…”
Love this so much. I look forward to watching the #1 lizard chaser in the world grow up and laugh with her dad!
Congratulations Carlos! Appreciate you writing about this. Lot of fathers go through similar journeys of duty, in their own ways, wondering when that special feeling will come. It’s good for these types of things to be normalized in such a human way, how you wrote about it. Makes us all better parents, which makes the kids better humans. Good luck and good health to you and your whole family.
Thanks for sharing this lovely story. Congratulations, Carlos!
I understand what you mean about not feeling an instant connection with your child. The day my daughter was born, I was in awe of her and feeling extremely blessed, but I felt like she was a stranger. She was the cutest little person I knew very little about. I've been happy to see how my love for her has grown over these fifteen years, how much I love her, and how well I know her now.
Hang in there and enjoy the adventure!
I love this story ~ I love that you had a "right out of the movies" birth story to tell - she'll adore that (and be embarrassed by it!) Having a baby in the house is lifechanging and exhausting. Having the wonderful take time to catch up is normal. Enjoy every minute! Even the screaming baby ones - they grow up fast :) Make time for a date with your wife-dates on the couch to watch an episode work when you're too exhausted to think about leaving the house :)
As a grand parent, trust me, when you call your parents asking for advice you are letting them know that you do still need them. And they love that.