A lot of people have been talking recently about how to grow their platform on Substack. And since I’m something of an expert on Substack growth, I figured I’d chime in. Because I’ve grown my Substack from 439 free subscribers to 451 free subscribers in just 11 months.

I know what you’re thinking: no fiddle-dee-freaking way, hombre. But it’s true. I gained 11 new subscribers in less than a year and I have the stats to prove it. You, too, can hit numbers like mine (1 new subscriber per month!) if you just follow these simple steps. And are in a financial situation that allows the kind of free time you’ll need to grow this bad boy. And are willing to put in a butt ton of hours on a project that, statistically speaking, won’t succeed. Okay, let’s dive in!

Work Hard

I personally don’t know a single writer who works hard enough, and it shows. Writers come to me for advice all the time saying things like “Carlos, I just don’t get it. I wrote four Substack posts during my 9-month-long vacation in Turks & Caicos and yet I’ve only gained 3 new subscribers.” And I have to tell them, “Listen, buddy boy, you’re never going anywhere with those kinds of numbers. You have to post at least twice that often!” And then they look at me, crestfallen, their dreams of writerly success fading before their eyes. 

But, sure enough, the writers that do heed my advice see the kinds of double digit growth I’ve achieved. It’s possible, but you have to PUT. IN. THE. WORK. I’ve published 19 POSTS in just under a year. That’s over 1.5 times PER MONTH. 

Side note: I never take vacations, but even if I did, Turks & Caicos is so over, baby. Anyone who’s anyone is going to St. Kitts & Nevis now. That’s the Caribbean ampersand island nation du jour.   

Have a Clear Vision

When I launched Shades of Greaves in January, I had a clear mission: 

Start a Substack, I guess, because that’s what other writers I know are doing. 

I thought long and hard about what I should focus on, and ultimately landed on a concise concept for what my Substack would be about: 

Shades of Greaves will feature topical satire, evergreen humor pieces, craft essays, self-publishing advice, occasional life updates, and any pieces that The New Yorker and McSweeney’s passed on.

Sure, the focus was a bit singular, but if I were to wander into, say, gardening advice, or home buying tips, or marketing strategy, then the focus would start to be too broad. Actually, come to think of it, there’s a bit of all of those things in the Substack, too. So I take back what I said earlier about having a clear vision. The key to Substack growth is the exact opposite: spray and pray!

Think About Branding  

As you can see, I put a ton of hours into crafting the Shades of Greaves logo:

Build Community

Whether you like it or not, Notes is here to stay. And, sure, like any social-media-style feed, it’s time consuming, mentally exhausting, and a great place to get harassed by the most heinous people on planet Earth. But that’s a small price to pay for occasionally meeting someone cool. So, in addition to my prolific newsletter posts (1.5x a month, need I remind you) I also frequently write, comment on, and restack Notes. AT LEAST once every two months (sometimes three months if I forget).

Turn on Paywall From the Start

I have no idea if this is true, but everyone else says it is, so I’m guessing it’s true.

Don’t Be Afraid to Fail (You Almost Certainly Will!)

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that the most successful people all put tons and tons of hours worth of work into their projects. It’s also important to remember that plenty of non-successful people also put tons and tons of hours worth of work into their projects and failed anyway! Most people never make a living wage from creative pursuits because we live in a chaotic world governed by probability. So any success on this topsy-turvy stochastic planet is, in part, due to being at the right place at the right time, appealing to humanity’s notoriously fickle, ever-changing tastes at just the right moment, being born with Lebron James-like preternatural abilities, and the alignment of Mercury relative to Earth. And even if you have all of those things, working your whole entire ass off is (DUH) also a prerequisite. 

So, considering that you’re likely going to fail, at least pick something you’re going to enjoy failing at! It’s the only way to overcome the psychological carpet bombing that is putting your heart and soul into your creative work only for it to FALL INTO THE VOID TIME AND TIME AGAIN! Or maybe it won’t this time! You’ll never know until you put WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY into it! Good luck!  

Summary

I hope all of the advice above helps you achieve the kind of stellar growth I’ve achieved on Substack these past 11 months. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling energized to put in even more work into my Substack in 2024. I daresay, I may even hit 468 or even 479 subscribers by this same time next year!

And, if all else fails, you can always become an alt-right Nazi troll. They seem to be thriving on Substack.

Okay, was that fun? I hope you found it as cathartic to read as it was to write. Now, I just want to be super, super, super clear – this post isn’t intended to bash any writers who have written about growing their platforms recently. If you’ve perused Substack over the past few weeks, you’ve likely come across a few of the pieces I poked fun at above. But I assure you, my intent is not to put other writers on blast. This was just a silly way for those of us who are on the other side of the growth equation to have a laugh and let off a little steam. For the record, I’ve actually found those posts about Substack growth to be both informative and inspiring, and I appreciate those writers sharing their insights.

My only pet peeve I have about these kinds of advice posts is when writers (or any successful person, for that matter) tells other people that they need to “work harder.” You mean I have to work hard? If only I’d thought of that! Here I was being a lazy sack of shit this whole time thinking that was the key to success. 

I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t know a single writer who isn’t working their absolute, wordsmithing ass off. The only difference is that what they’re working their asses off on might be anything from writing books, to teaching, to raising children, to working a non-writing day job that pays the bills. Not everyone has the time or resources to devote to growing a platform — that’s just the reality of the world we live in — so attributing one’s own success to working hard, though undoubtedly true, never sits right with me. It’s like saying that to be a writer you need to drink water and remember to keep breathing oxygen. True, yes, but it hardly bears repeating. 

So that’s the only bit of advice I take issue with, which is a common thread I saw in many of the posts I came across. And I know that wasn’t their intent, but the satirist in me tends to interpret people’s words in the least generous way possible if it means getting to make a little joke out of it.

What I do think is spot on is that, to grow your platform, you have to deliver something of value to readers. And developing the writing skills to do that can take years. Many of the Substacks I see growing quickly are from authors with multiple books under their belts and decades of experience. And that does, of course, take work. So that I wholeheartedly agree with.

Also, I want to be clear, I don’t think you need Lebron James-like natural ability to succeed. But I do think that embracing the randomness of life is freeing. You really do have to love the work for the sake of the work, and that’s one of the hardest things to do as a writer when you also want to, you know, make enough money to eat. But putting constant pressure on yourself doesn’t do a bit of good. 

Most importantly, I hope this piece serves as a self-deprecating look at my own failures (okay, “failures” is too harsh. “Non-successes,” maybe?) when it comes to growing my Substack over the past year. A what not to do, if you will. The blame for why my Substack hasn’t grown as much as I might’ve liked it to lies squarely with me. Life got in the way. I got busy with my book, and starting a new job, and thus my Substack went by the wayside for parts of the year. 

Even so, I managed to grow my Substack from 320 to 451 subscribers (yes, I exaggerated earlier for comedic effect) in less than a year and I'm grateful for that! I do intend to post more regularly and make a concerted effort to build community here in 2024, so hopefully I can stick to that (feel free to slide into my chats to hound me if you feel I’m not delivering on that).

As for why someone might consider subscribing, if there's anything I offer on Substack that you can’t get elsewhere it's that A) I’m a satirist and therefore my writing is (hopefully) relatively funny and entertaining to read, and B) I’m sharing what I’m learning as I’m learning it. So, in that sense, this Substack is a journey we’re going on together as opposed to me just passing on advice. So if that sounds like your jam, come say hi! And if you’re already a subscriber, come say hi more often! I love discussing all things humor and writing and my chats, notes, and comments are always open. 

Until the right-wing trolls find me, of course, then I may have to lay low for a bit.